In honor of Avengers: Age of Ultron coming out today I would like to tell you a little story about how a gay man once punched Captain America in the jaw and lost. I like to believe that Cap is down with everyone and wouldn’t hate on any non-evil doer, regardless of their sexual orientation, race, whatever. He seems like a pretty chill guy if your not trying to exterminate human life with a murder-bot vengeance or if you’re not Hitler. In this scenario I believe that it wasn’t his intentions to cause harm, it’s only that his jaw is made of the strongest thing known to man, freedom.
It all starts at the annual Becky/Roomsies!/Greenbeans ugly sweater Christmas party, which turns out has nothing to do with ugly sweaters at all. Roomsies!, for my birthday last year, got me a Captain America cardboard cutout because hes totes my favesies. After moving from place to place in our apartment trying to figure out where he will scare the shit out of us the least he now resides in the kitchen against the utility closet door, right next to my comfy kitchen chair. So at this here christmas party our friend, we’ll call him Mr. White for now, starts flirting with Cap, because hes so damn dreamy after all. Saying things like; ‘what? oh no, we cant.’ looks away bashful and caresses his chest. Giggles, ‘you want to what? oh, Cap.’ Immediately turns around and lightly puts a finger to his lips, ‘shhhh, no more. We cant go on like this’. At this point Mr. Black, Mr White’s fiance, comes across the kitchen to interrupt this little rendezvous. Mr. White lets out a guilty scream of ‘NO!’ and side steps to put some space between himself and Cap as if nothing had just happened. ‘No Mr. Black, nothing happened!’ he pleads. All Mr. Black sees is red and gets alllll up in Cap’s face, who is unwavering because Cap doesn’t back down from a fight, and also because he’s made of cardboard and his legs don’t move. In a jealous rage Mr. Black, out of nowhere, throws a punch that socks good ol’ Cap square in the jaw. Unbeknownst to Mr. Black, the utility closet door Cap was stuck against was a metal one and not a regular wooden door. Mr. Black storms out of the apartment for a smoke and to cool down only to return with a swollen, but probably not broken, knuckle. Good ol’ boy Steve Rogers, however, stood like a sentry, his chiseled jaw unharmed and the picture of freedom that it was meant to be.
And that’s how our Christmas party escalated at an alarmingly speedy rate. It was all in good fun and only one person got unintentionally hurt, but lets take a look at the real moral of this story; Mr White and Mr Black will go on forever, because when you punch a superhero in the face that’s the kind of commitment that lasts.