Roommate Adventures: Kickin’ this shit off the right way…

I was going to start writing this shit like an hour ago, but then I got distracted by movie trailers on YouTube, as you do. But really, after a night of partying you need to start your morning off the right way. I started mine with the usual routine; wake up, stare at my phone and hate the fact that its 8 and then check all my notifications, because you cant have a night like last night and not wake up to multiple facebook/instagram/what have you notifications. Then I go through all my other shit, look at the latest LICD comic, browse Timehop, get them snappys, insta, and then a quick peruse of the FB. But then I obviously went back to sleep because we didnt get home until 3:30. Then, while everyone else went to work for the day I slept my happy ass in for once, but when I woke up I got some ice cream for breakfast and got distracted by movies…

But on to last night! Easily one of THE best nights i’ve ever had. We took a much needed outing, the first official roommate excursion. The first one where we didnt have to pick up and drop off Greenbeans drunk ass and go completely out of our way to do it, its so much nicer of a feeling to be able to just go home afterwards. I find that the best times are the unplanned ones, if there are expectations and all this hype we always leave disappointed. This was one was an ‘its 8:30 on friday, lets go do something’ and we just got up and got ready and headed out. Obviously, when we go out to DTA (Down Town Annapolis) we cant not hit up Tony, he’s like the DTA night life ambassador, its always a blasty blast and a half.

You know it was a good night when you look at your blogging notes from the night before and have to really think about what you meant. So we will start from the top…


‘I love lying to people at bars’… I really do, they dont know me, i dont plan on seeing them again, i cant tell them whatever I want and with the right amount of conviction they’ll believe it. There is really four notes to this story, but there was a guy at the bar and he bumps into Roomsies!, intentional or not we’ll just let that be, and asks to buy her a drink. Obviously she said yes, but when he dragged her onto the dance floor, like a good friend, I followed for a quick escape plan. For whatever reason this guy was super concerned about if we were Naval Academy cadets, he asked so many times that I just went with it and told him yes. He was intimidated by this fact and was all, ‘oh, you guys are above my pay grade, I dont know if I can keep talking to you.’ Which made no sense so I didn’t delve any deeper in to that drunk mess. Something happened where I punched him in the chest, cant remember why it happened but it wasnt a hard hit by any means, i dont think. But this guy liked it rough I guess because he was all, ‘you can hit! Do it harder.’ …in the middle of a crowded bar. It would be asinine and completely impossible for me to pass up this opportunity so I hit him again, harder. Shit was weird, he just went back to talking about random shit. Then I went to put Roomsies! empty glass on the bar so we could leave and this weirdo pokes me in the armpit and is then repulsed that i’m sweating…in a crowded bar…after dancing…in the middle of June. Who pokes randos in the bar in the armpit anyway?! As if we didnt need another reason to leave, other than we were already moving on to the next bar. This is how this evac plan went down; Me and Roomsies! look at each other, nod in agreement to just peace out and this guy starts telling us his life story…

Drunken mess: yeah, so i’m just here visiting my family.

Me: oh, you’re visiting your family? yeah? *starts to turn in the direction of the door* yeah? *walks away*

It was a clean break, I don’t think he really knew what happened.

We make our way out of the bar and are waiting on the sidewalk for Greenbeans and Tony and some handsome Navy boys, in full dress whites, my weakness, are at the door. They were SP so they werent there to party but are nice to look at non the less. We were standing there having a conversation about their asses and how they were nice but they needed to think about working those booty muscles and lift ’em up. Apparently we werent as quiet as we thought because the one on the left adjusted and lifted it up. Women are so objectified in todays society so every chance I get I like to objectify men and evaluate them like some prime cattle, you know, to stick it to the man…  We made a comment about the happening and applauded him for his efforts. As they were leaving they walked past and gave us a dreamy ‘Have a good evening ladies’ and a nod. ….Well hey there sailor!

So finally Greenbeans and Tony join us and we mosey on over to another bar. On the dance floor there was a guy on the dance floor. Not dancing. Just looking at his phone. Weird, but not that memorable that it warrants a note for the next day, until you take in to account the fact that he was wearing a shirt that said ‘I got 99 problems’ …because obviously a bitch ain’t one… A sore wrist later, maybe. But definitely not a bitch.

It’s now probably 1:30 and we make our way to the last bar. We are standing there, nearer to the ladies bathroom in the only open space available. Greenbeans decides that he needs to pee and when I point to the the dudes potty on the other side of the bar he looks from it to the girls bathroom right behind us, shrugs, and opens the door and pokes his head in then disappears. Thinking I should probably make sure he doesn’t get arrested I follow, towing Roomsies! with me for back up if a ruckus breaks out. We get into the tiny ass bathroom and find him taking selfies with the three girls already in there and one of them squealing with delight that he’d be perfect for her gay cousin, he’s asian to apparently…  I’ve peed in the mens bathroom on plenty of occasions, no shame. I have to pee and there is no line. Most of the time dudes are gracious and on more than a time or two I have had a very respectful gentleman stand guard and take care of any displeased dudes. They say chivalry is dead, I just say you aren’t looking in the right places! The mens room is one of them.

‘She’s shy but she shows her boobs….yeah ok!’ This one I had to dig deep in my brain to figure out what the hell happened, but then I remembered. After Greenbeans’ potty break we made our way out of the bar to leave, Greenbeans and Roomsies! had to work in the morning and it was pushing on to 2. We were standing outside the bar and there was some girl who was wearing a dress, fairly modest, but had a cut out on the chest to show a little cleave, no harm done. There was some conversation happening that I wasnt paying attention to but I tuned in real quick when i hear Roomsies! shout, ‘shes shy, but she shows her boobs! ….yeah, ok!’ Still not sure what happened but we made our way to the pizza place, because pizza is amazing and its the only way to end a night of drunken shenanigans.

So we get to the pizza place and are standing in the line to grab a slice and the guy behind the counter yells, ‘whoever isnt dealing with this slice bullshit and wants a whole pizza line starts here. I didnt think Tony could move that fast, he plowed through the trashcans and grabbed that box like a man after my own heart. So we have our pizza and take a sit down on a stoop outside and you can be damned sure that we didnt wait for that shit to cool down. Its one of the instances where it just hurts so good…  And in all his drunken wisdom Greenbeans shouts, ‘Lets pray to Cheesus!’ We eat a slice or two and decide that the real way to end this night is to enjoy the rest of the pizza down by the water at the end of the docks. Greenbeans peaces out half way there and B lines it for the car, Tony disappeared and me and Roomsies! take off our shoes and chill with our feet over the water.


This is probably the highlight of my night….

Roomsies! decides that she really wants to touch the water with her foot. The top of the dock is NOT that close to the water… But she does it anyway and dips her toes in, gets back up all excited and happy with herself and sticks her foot in my face saying, ‘i did it! I touched it! Look! Feel my toes, they’re wet!’ Obviously I do, and she tells me I have to do it. I dont have enough faith in my upper arm strength at 2:30 in the morning to do this but with enough persistence how can I say no? So after a few failed attempts and more reassurance from Roomsies! that she will catch me if I start to slip I give it one last go. I was right to doubt my arm strength, I work at a desk all day and most of my strength is in the legs as that’s what you use when horseback riding. Between alcohol (I was pretty sober at this point to be honest) and my spaghetti arms I really set myself up for failure here. As i was going in for the toe touch I started leaning too far forward and got off balance and there was a brief, ‘Oh fuck! Roomsies!! Fuck!’ and then I was in the water… It was a pretty good temperature, not too chilly. I tried to get back up but the dock is too high up and we already know that my arms just cant be trusted to pull my wet ass out of the water. And like the true friend that Roomsies! is she just says, ‘ill just come in with you, there has to be a ladder to get out somewhere, there HAS to be.’ And then she jumps in and that was the moment I knew that this bitch is my soulmate. We swim around for a hot minute trying to find a ladder and there was none….of course. So we end up finding a part of the dock by a boat with a spot where we can climb out. We get out and start walking back to our shoes and pizza and it dawns on me, ‘I have to pee and I dont know why I didnt just do it when I was in there…’ To which Roomsies! replies, ‘oh, me to. We could just go back in, it was a nice swim.’ And thats how we ended back in the water for a second time…

I took my phone out of my pocket before all these shenanigans because im not an idiot and I knew shit could go in the wrong direction at any minute. We were walking back to the car, shoes in hand and a pizza box in the other, dripping wet. Some people walked past us and were all, ‘did they really go in the water?!’ to which I replied ‘Fuck yeah! The waters nice, you should jump on in!’ They didnt like the fact that there was no ladder so, like a bunch of pansies, they bitched out. But then we drove home soaking wet, its a good thing I have a lot of shit in my car, like a blanket…. im fairly certain when I go to drive to work this afternoon I will be sitting on a wet seat.


There was one more note, it reads, ‘Power Rangers Connect…arms and legs’ because I realized that Roomsies! has the arm strength and i have the leg strength and if we connected together like the power rangers we’d be like Megazord…

There was definitely a shower immediately after returning home, that water is the cleanest, but no regrets! Because we kicked of this roommate trio the best way possible.

UPDATE: I just got a phone call from Greenbeans asking what the hell made us jump in the river… well sir, let me tell you just how it went down…

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