Dale got hulk hands, but Becky got velociraptor hands…

Happy 24th anniversary of enriching peoples lives with my prescense to meeee!!

Started off my birthday weekend with a whole bunch of Becky time in the pool with my new grasshopper friend. Then I bought myself a birthday present of the utmost awesomeness….


Velociraptor hands!! I’ve already put them to great use scaring the shit out of Brittney like eight times in the car yesterday. …sometimes I wonder why I have any friends, and then I remember that I’m hilarious.

For this most excellent of birthday weekends I’m going on an adventure with my besties to VA beach. Which already has started out to be pretty fantastic. We left the apartment around 9 and made it to the VA beach area around 1, because people suck and so does traffic! We were supposed to go to a place called Eagles Nest, but it being one o’clock in the morning and all it would have been entirely pointless. So we hit up another place that stayed open until four for the first of this weekends birthday libations.

Anytime anyone ever says tapas bar I automatically think they said topless bar. Which, I mean, alright, I’m down, I guess…

I can’t remember the name of the place, but apparently VA likes to put party locations in the middle of shopping centers, which I thought was kind of weird but do you boo, do you.

So there was no way that I was going to wear going out clothes on a four hour car ride. Shit, I couldn’t even be bothered to wear a shirt. …sports bras man. My best friend. So we get right around he corner and stop at a 7-11 to see if they have a bathroom, they didn’t, like the bunch of failure that they are. And as we are changing in the car directly infront of the store a car pulls up and is sketchily chilling in the middle of the parking lot. Apparently I have a problem with saying things that shouldn’t be said when windows/doors are open and other people can hear me, because I get yelled at for it quite often. So as I continue to stick my hand down my sports bra to attach my sticky bra with the overhead lights on letting all the world know what’s up, we hear the buckets of sketch in the creeper car yell, ‘Caitlin! Go in the store and see if you get carded!’ …because Virginia is full of classy broads.

Side note: you can do some pretty impressive things with sticky bras…

So after changing in the car we get lost trying to find this place, which ended up being next to a place called ‘yummy sushi’ because those people couldn’t be any more creative than that… And you know what I learned in the wee hours of this morning? There is now a song called ‘Snapchat me dem titties’ …because that ‘let me take a selfie’ song wasn’t enough of an abomination on my ears they had to make another musical assault about today’s failure of a generation.

Just to clarify. Snapchat is not a failure. We all know just how much I love it. Sending your boobies via snapchat is kind of a failure. Getcha life together world!

My eyeballs had deceived me at least twice last night. Once when we were in the car and listening to N*sync pandora and Britney spears came on and I glanced at Brittney’s phone sitting on the center console and definitely thought it was a picture of Kermit the frog. The second time was when Brittney was typing in Lynnhaven and I thought she typed hymen, which is entirely a different number of letters… So maybe it was just her phone playing tricks on me and not my eyeballs after all!

Sitting at the table Greenbeans had said something about how he did his hair and made it look good for an empty bar, to which I replied with the fact that I had no idea what my hair even looked like but was hoping for the best. And then he told me to do a hair flip and now there is a slowmo video of me hair flipping and now my life is complete…

Things I’ve done that have made my life complete:

  • Slowmo hair flip video
  • Made it rain at a gay club (with fliers, not money. I couldnt afford the real thing) (I think I hit someone in the eye with one) #noragrets

After leaving the topless bar, I mean topas bar, we made a Taco Bell run. As you do after drinking… In the car we were trying to figure out how we were going to pay for it all, like cash or credit and who was paying who and everyone was all ‘I have cash’ and I didn’t so I said ‘I don’t have any cash. To which Greenbeans replied ‘bitch! You don’t matter. It’s your birthday!’

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so loved while being told I didn’t matter…
So now it’s 8.30 in the morning and I’ve gotten, maybe, five hours of sleep and me and Roomsies! Are waiting for the other two to wake up so we can go to the beach. WOOOOOOBIRTHDAYWEEKEND!!!

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