Hangovers are my kryptonite, my self inflicted kryptonite…

It’s Wednesday and we’re recounting Sunday, because i’m busy and have other shit to do and i’ll get in trouble it I do it at work now because they got the IT guy to be all sneaky sneaky on the computers now, and whenever i’m on my phone too much Dr Boss Lady gets sad at me, understandably of course…

Later Sunday morning happens, because we didn’t get home until four a.m., and we all wake up around 11, unhappily, I would like to add. My hungover ass is still wearing my earrings from the night before, which wouldn’t be bad except they were dangling ones and those ones fuck with your earlobes when you pass out drunk in them. Thinking about it now i’m actually really impressed that I wasn’t still drunk seven hours later, because i’ve definitely woken up after drinking less and sleeping more and still feeling a little bit drunk. Granted I tend to not vomit in my friends bushes before getting locked out of the house, like I did on this occasion. I imagine this helped in that respect. We laid in bed for a hot minute more and to ward off vomiting what was left in my stomach, lining and all, I snacked on my giant rice krispie I bought the day before. Maybe ten minutes later Brittney comes over to the side of the bed I was laying on the floor by to plug in her phone and she looks down at the ground next to me and asks, ‘Why is there a Rice Krispie treat wrapper on the floor?’ because she was in the shower when all that nomage was going down. I looked at her, to the wrapper next to me, and then back to her, ‘…..because i ate it.’ This was the highlight of my morning. One, because it was humorous. Two, because the rest of my day was spent in recovery and trying not to vomit.

So we get up to go get the car from the bar, since like responsible adults in the year 2015 we uber’d it home. We all walk out of the house and instantly start complaining that its too bright and too damn hot out. Walking over to Roomsies! car we then find out that her keys are in Brittney’s car. At the bar. Miles away… So thanks to Greenbeans and me getting the Uber app we got a free Uber ride back to the bar. Uber is really the hero of this weekend…

Just the thought of being in a vehicle at all on Sunday gave me the queezys, which is why I napped it out the entire way to bar. We ended up going to the buff-et next to the bar called Crazy Buffet. Not only because it was closest and we needed food, but because it was called crazy and how could we pass that shit up. We cut off the nicely dressed church goers walking into the buffet looking like the holy hot messes that we were. I may have been the only hot mess there, still wearing my sunglasses and classy trucker hat inside… I ordered a water because I thought, ‘Im poor and also hydrate’ but then I longingly looked at Brittney’s Pepsi across the table with so much envy you couldn’t tell if it was that or I was going to vomit. Being the supportive and amazing friend she is, she let me have some. Which I was going to chug but thought better of.

Being the fat asses we are, Greenbeans and myself immediately got up after they took our drink order and went for food. I got a few things, some chicken and beef and broccoli and some dumplings and then a big ol’ scooper of smashies (mashed potatoes) and ate about a bite and a half of each. Except the smashies, because i’m one irish gal that loves her some potatoes. Either way, I didn’t eat all that much because after swallowing it everything felt like it kept getting stuck in my chest before making it down the rest of my esophagus to drop like an atom bomb on Hiroshima. Which is really actually fitting, what with eating at an asian restaurant and what not. So for the better part of our buffet brunch I leaned my head against the wall cursing my life and every life decision I had made in the past that had brought me to this point. At one point I tried putting my head on the table, only to immediately find out that that was the worst possible decision ever. And after these colon cleanses, which I did three nights in a row so it would hopefully kick start my shit, literally, and so that I wouldn’t feel obligated to take it on my birthday weekend, i’m really just not sure what the rumblies in my insides are. And with all that alcohol the night before and the imminent alcohol poops you don’t chance that shit, literally, so I ventured to the pots. Turns out I didn’t have to poop, but it was cooler in the bathrooms so I just sat there and went through facebook for a bit Long enough for them to send Roomsies! as the search party to make sure I hadn’t died. on the way back to the table I stopped and got some fruit and pudding thinking that that would be less intense on my fragile insides. Oddly enough, the mandarin orange slices were the best, despite my inability to think of anything other than the grubs in The Lion King.

After leaving the buff-et we got Juan Pablo to ondalay and areeba it home and we packed up our shit and peaced out for an afternoon poolside with Chief, whose family was also vacationing in a big ass beach house down in VA beach. Its been decided that if I ever get cursed with spawning off a tiny human that at least they would be very respectful children. Like the kind of parent that you wouldn’t even think of doing anything bad with because you knew you’d get an ass whoopin’. They’d be pretty desensitized also, because I was beating up Chief’s niece with a pool noodle and stealing her floaties and shit despite her protests of ‘mine!’ because Becky don’t play that game, i don’t care if its someone elses kid. We also decided pretty unanimously that they would also be the most sarcastic kids to grace this earth.

So after meeting my limit of children time for the month, we peaced out of there as well and went on a search for some mexican food. …as if my intestines weren’t in enough distress as it was. I chowed down on some chips and queso and then struggled to make it through even a little bit of whatever it was I ordered, before declaring that I was going to either sleep in the car or vomit. So I slept my hungover ass the entire ride home.

All in all, an amazing birthday weekend with some amazing people. Probably the best one yet!

…and I still can’t remember his name!

…and this was before we even got down to VA. The excitement and Disney sing-a-long were just too much for this birthday girl to handle!

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