Alright douchecanoe, enjoy your paddle down shit stain creek…

You know what I don’t get? Rude ass people. Why the fuck you gotta be so damn rude? I’m over here being as nice and helpful as I can possibly be and these bitches decide that they would just like to ruin someone’s day because that’s the kind of ass hole they are. You’ll run in to these kind of people all the time. Working in a doctors office or in any other occupation that requires you to use some form of customer service, you tend to see it more frequently. 

I had said not too long ago that one of my favorite parts of working for Dr Boss Lady was the patients. This reason is also one of the reasons I dislike this job. While the majority of our patients are very pleasant or easy to deal with there are those select few who just are a complete pile of trash. Let me tell you about two of my most recent happenings with two of them. 

This guy, he ended up not being a patient of ours, thank god, this was his first appointment. This salty gentleman first came in to make the appointment. I gave him his appointment time and he had given me his insurance and ID cards to get the info off of instead of verbally telling me. I gave him the paperwork so he could fill it out before hand and bring it back with him and gave him back his cards and told him to bring them back with the paper work. He scoffs and says, ‘I just gave them to you.’ ‘If you could just bring them back at the time of your visit so I can make a copy.’ And yeah, technically I could have taken a copy of them at that time, but I had other shit to deal with and this guy was kind of a doucher. He mutters, ‘for the love of God’ and storms out…accompanied by an aggressive hand gesture from myself as he is leaving the office. 

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt most days. Maybe they’re just having an off day and they weren’t really just born an insane ass hole. When I myself am having an off or bad day I still try to not project on other people, it’s not their fault so they shouldn’t get the brunt end of it. There are those days where you just can’t hold it in and you kick the front tire of the guy passing you on a bike out or knock over a small child. I get it. It happens to the best of us. But even on my angry days I’m still nice to people, I know so because I want to punch myself in the face because of the sickeningly sweetness that i projectile vomit onto the faces of people. 

So fast forward from that day to Today and then rewind to yesterday when he shows up 30 minutes early for his appointment. I get all his information in and give him back his cards and everything seems to be pleasant, maybe he really was just having a bad day at our first meeting. We get him back in the room, Moni-caw-caw-caw-caw gets her side in and everything is all set. Dr Boss Lady had a surgery earlier and it was running late do to whatever issues and when i get the call that she would be late I go back to the patients and let them know. The first guy was very amicable about all of it. Then I go back to this other guy and this is how this went down:

Me: hello Mr Douche Canoe, I just received a phone call from the surgery place and Dr Boss Lady is running a bit late, is that ok? Or would you like to reschedule?

Me Douche Canoe: no. Someone should have told me that when I got here.

Me: I’m sorry sir, I would have if I had known but I just received the phone call. I was unaware of this until just now. 

Mr DC: someone should have told me before you brought me back. 

Me: again, we did not know until literally just now when they literally just called to tell us. Would you like to come up front and reschedule then?

Mr DC: *mumbles something shitty under his breath.*

Me: ok. Well I’ll meet you up front. 

Finally comes to the front desk. 

Me: are you sure you would not like to reschedule?

Mr DC: no. This is unexceptable. I called my doctor and he has given me another referral. 

Me: well I’m sorry to hear that, have a great day. 

At this point my ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t even remotely sincere and he storms out of the office followed, yet again, with an obscene hand gesture from myself. 

Fast forward to about an hour later:

Phone rings. I pick it up and go through my normal schpeel. 

Mr DC: yes this is mr DC, I was just in there, I won’t get charged for today will I? 

Me: no sir. 

Mr DC: I have a very bad temper and I didn’t want to stay for fear of what I might say to the dr when she got there. 

Me: *thinking I was getting an apology and being thoroughly impressed about it* I understand. 

Mr DC: has the doctor arrived yet? 

Me: yes. She is busy seeing patients. 

Mr DC: well I would like her to call me back and apologize. 

Me: *crickets chirping*

Mr DC: are you there?

Me: …..ok

Mr DC: ok what

Me: …I’ll let her know, have a great day

And then I hung up. If you could have seen the look on Dr Boss Lady’s face when I told her…

THEN! Then there’s this other bitch… Literally. Literally! The person I hate most in this world. I’d rather do unmentionable things with Hitler if I had the choice between sharing this planet with this bitch or that. Luckily, yet still entirely unfortunate, for me there is no choice because I would very much enjoy NOT doing unmentionable things to or with Hitler. 

Now, I don’t call anyone the ‘C’ word unless they really really deserve it. I use fuck in any possible situation that I can, it is my absolute favorite word in the entire world. But this lady is  supercalifragilisticexpealicuntish… If you catch my drift. A real Cuntosaurus Rex, if you will. Or more plainly, she’s a huge fuckin cunt. Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway sized cunt… Pretty much the worst person ever. 

I’ve had quite a few run ins with this bitch since she was first seen in May. All leading up to that glorious day that I will be able to have the one and only run in I would like to have with her, which involves my car and her being thrown thirty feet in the air after I hit her, which would be impressive because she isn’t a tiny lady, not even in a parallel universe. 

The first time I really had the displeasure of communicating with this twat waffle it was over some forms for a disability placard for her vehicle. Nothing that we haven’t filled out many a times beforeshe had originally called and expected us to print and fill out for her. As this is against our policy and the patient has to fill out their portion before the doctor can fill out the rest for any form, I told her so. She acquiesced to this information and called back after asking about if she could fax it as she is a busy lady and is working. I told her that she could fax it here to our secured fax line but I would not be able to fax it back with patient info on it’s that is now a HIPPA violation. This bitch is the kind of bitch that, if she doesn’t hear what she wants to hear she gets all up in a tizzy for no reason other than she is a collosalcunt. So after much discussion she asks for a prescription for pain meds and would like that mailed to her…which is illegal. I tell her as much and she huffs across the phone and says she’ll get her mother to bring the other form and pick up the prescription and that the other form is filled out and all Dr Boss Lady has to do is sign the form. So after telling her that the form would be ready in 48-72 hours as is our policy, she could pick it up then. So her mother comes in and hands me the MVA form and I ask her to have a seat and wait for the prescription to be printed. Like daughter like mother, she huffs and sits down. 

…these bitches…

Rx comes out and I give it to her mother. I have filled out my portion of the MVA form that I fill out and just need some codes and a signature, that I could have gotten done if I asked nicely, but this bitch wants to be a velocicunt so no. You can wait. I tell the mother I had spoken to her daughter on the phone about the form and that it would be ready soon and we would call her to let her know. 

Not ten minutes late to get a nasty phone call from this bitch because she didn’t listen the first time…

Supercunt: my mother was just there and said that you wouldn’t give her the form because it wasn’t done. All the doctor has to do is sign it. 

Me: no, she also has to put codes on it. 

SC: well how hard is that? 

Me: it’s nothing, but she is busy seeing patients and doesn’t have the time to do it right now. The form it will be done in 48-72 hours as is posted in our office and I told you during our first phone conversation. 

SC: this makes no sense. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to fax the forms to you. 

Me: you could have faced them here, I just can’t fax them back with patient information on them. 

SC: well I’m a business woman and i expect things to be done in a timely manner. 

Me: Dr Boss Lady is also a business woman and has patients to see in the office. You can pick up the form in 72 hours when it has been completed. 

SC: tell Dr Boss Lady call me…

Me: ok. 

End phone conversation. 

Then the other day she calls about something with her foot, she’s been referred to another of our doctors in the practice for surgery for one reason or another. I like to think it’s because Dr Boss Lady values having me as a sane employee who is not in jail and knows that I will definitely murder this lady at some point with any further interactions. Really it’s probably because that doctor specialized in whatever surgery she is having. I pass on the message to Dr Boss Lady and get a response so I call the bitch back and don’t even get done relaying the first sentence of the response before she interrupts me and tells me that it’s the dumbest, no second dumbest thing she’s heard all day.

Well bitch, I hope your feet fall off in a horrific accident so I never have to see your sorry excuse of an existence in my area ever again. This lady is just a shitty excuse of a human being.

Here’s a good business lesson for everyone… Don’t be shitty to people you want a service from! I might not be able to spit in your food after I dropped it in the trash but I will acquire anthrax and anonymously mail it to you if you keep this shit up. 

If not that then I will at least blow up on you over the phone and proceed to tell you what a shit stain in the entirety of the human existence you are, and I will do it with creative metaphors and a vast vocabulary. 

I fuckin hate people…

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