I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it probably like at least eighty more times before I leave this earth, the good lord Jeebus has chosen to grace me with the supreme gift of a dude brain and lady parts. As a wise Matt once told me, it’s like giving an infant a loaded gun. I’m not really sure why, but i’m sure there’s a visine for that.
I’m not big into talking about feelings, cuddling or the like. But everyone needs that human companionship, you may be saying. Well you dirty little hipster, that’s why Jeebus granted this earth with pillows. I have about twenty minutes of cuddling in me and then you, sir, are on your own. It becomes uncomfortable with bones jabbing you in the side, or your neck at impossible or uncomfortable angles. The other persons body heat is suffocating, and don’t you dare try to cuddle facing me because I don’t want to breath in your carbon dioxide. You are literally suffocating me with your exhalations. I could be getting as much oxygen as this environment has and you are forcing your sixteen percent oxygen breath into my face. You are giving me sixteen percent of an uncomfortable, overheated, bone jabbing chance of survival, where as if you stayed on your side of the bed these chances would increase exponentially.
Pillows are the perfect cuddling companion. You can choose any of the various sizes, shapes, textures, firmness, what have you thus creating a happier existence. If your own body heat has transferred to the pillow and you find that you are becoming uncomfortably warm, flip that bitch over and enjoy the coolness of the other side. Also a plus, they are foldable and mashable to create the perfect angle for your neck and other limbs. With their lightness and overall squishiness you no longer have the unfortunate moment of panic when you are trying to figure out a comfortable place to put your arm that will inevitably end up dying a tragic death only to be followed by an even worse resurrection that will feel like the embodiment of tv static, laced with a million of those little Romeish guys from Night at the Museum stabbing you repeatedly with their tiny little swords. Just wrap your arms around that bitch and place your head on that heavenly cloud of fantastic which will provide you with the best angle for your neck. All of this sounds like pure mystical magical amazingness but I, dear dirty little hipsters, haven’t even gotten to the best part of all of this. If you are done with cuddling even now, you can push that shit off the bed and return to complete happiness, and even better yet, it wont talk back and tell you how unloving and cold hearted you are. And to top it all off, you can have a plethora of pillows on your bed and not once will you hear one comment uttered about the way you choose to live your life with all these choices, this does NOT make you a pillow slut. The other pillows are down with it also, and if not, they’re inanimate objects so fuck’em! You enjoy your pillow harem and do you boo, do you!
Let me be the first, Jeebus, to thank you profusely for this gift you have bestowed upon the world. You are a real gem, you are!