I do believe in the fairies, I DO! I DO!!…the tooth fairy, that is…

I was going to name this one, ‘Does your face hurt?… I don’t know, I can’t feel it…’ but decided on No. The point of this story is that I got some teeth ripped from my face today. As you know, if you read the blog, my wisdom teeth are coming in like they were invited to this party. So I went to the dentist today and they ripped that shit out. Well, two of them, just the top ones so far. I really got myself all in a tizzy about this because the only time i’ve ever had teeth pulled was when I was like eight and they knocked me out and i’m still not sure how I got home. And then there’s everyone who’s ever gotten their wisdom teeth out and were big ol’ babies about it. I went to the dentist, they put me in the chair, shot me up with some novacaine and yanked them bitches out. In and out in maybe thirty minutes. That’s right bitches! You ain’t got nothin on me! Wisdom teeth like a BAWSE!!


But seriously, I dreaded this shit all day. I knew I’d be in good hands because this is the same guy who gave me a root canal at nine am and i was back at work by ten for a nine hour day of patients. We used to share an office suite with this dentist before we moved to the new place and I even did some body work on his car for him. The medical assistant, Ticklefritz O’Houlahan even has her own ringtone on my phone… rock lobster. So super unenthused me gets a text from a very enthused Ticklefritz an hour before my appointment, “it’s the final countdown….”. Then I get a text saying that their earlier patient was a no show and that I could come right on over. So here I am thinking i’ll have another hour before I have to participate in this hellish hole of suck. So I finish my work and get in my car and put on some DMX and start amping myself up. Mind you, their office is right across the street from our building, like 0.4 miles away from building to building. Short lived as it was, I was now ready to get my teeth hulk smashed out of my face. Walking to the building from my car my dental experience is precursed by Ticklefritz banging on the window as im walking from my car, because that’s not foreboding for anything…


 “Did you hear me knocking on the window?” is what I was met with when I open the door, as shes waiting in giddy anticipation to get all up in my mouth and choke me with the little water gun they have…which actually almost happened at least twice. Ticklefritz takes me back, and puts on my little dentist bib guy and away we go. They jab me in the face with novocaine, which is always a treat. I always think it’s going to be worse then it really is, and it wasn’t bad. Until they went for the roof of my mouth and back of my upper jaw, that was not so pleasant. And then Dr Donasaurus Rex…

 (the picture I drew him before our offices went our separate ways…)
says, ‘you’re going to feel some probing, that’s it…’ as hes poking my shoulder in illustration. I turn to him and look him in the eye and say, ‘um, sir, that’s my shoulder. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?!’ To which he replies, ‘thats as far as im probing, you’re on your own otherwise…’

So then he starts a poking and a prodding in my face with pointy sticks and says, ‘just prodding, right?’ then hits a spot that is most certainly not numb. Then shoots me up with more novocaine and tries the other side, three rounds of novocaine later he says, “I can see the novocaine coming out of the holes from the other injections…’ and if i could actually talk with a needle in my gums I would have said, ‘just the way I like it’ because aint nobody got time for feeling your tooth get yanked out. So now feeling much better about all this, and forewarned that they could possibly rip my nose out through my tooth hole and the tooth could be super attached to my face bone, like a crazy girlfriend who insists you share a facebook page, and could take some of said face bone with it, and off we go without warning. He just says, ‘you’ll feel some wiggling’ and then BAM! there goes the right one, and more wiggling and extra torture devices and out goes the left. They put me back upright and away we goooo!

Side note: I don’t get why they invert you when you’re at the dentist. Lik even, let me just send all the blood to the spot I’m jabbing with pointy object…

Up at the front im chatting with Mrs. Dr Donasaurus Rex and she asks if I got my teeth, to which I exclaimed, ‘I get to keep them?!’ and look back at Ticklefritz with a look of betrayal. Being the amazing friend she is, she digs in the trash and cleans them bitches off and puts them in a goody bag. Then Mrs Dr Donasaurus Rex opens her drawer and asks how many I got out and then hands me fifty cents, and that ladies and gentleman, is the tooth fairy for adults. And I believe! I BELIEVE!!

  
And then I leave with my teeth and money and chill out to some Dirty Heads on the drive home and try my hardest not to sing because I have to bite down on gauze for an hour to stop the bleeding. And now im sitting here trying to eat macaroni and having a hard time figuring out whats happening in my mouth because my tongue is still super numb and i cant feel the right side of my face…


the struggle is real people, the. struggle. is. real.

At one point during my drive home I had to remind myself how to swallow my spit, because I couldn’t feel anything in my mouth and I wasn’t positive I wouldn’t choke on my own spit and die…

But in other news, The Everyday Analyst has a facebook page, so go follow that shit you dirty little hipster, then you’ll get up to date, in real time updates on funny shit that happens in my brain. like live tweeting my dentist trip, that was over so fast I couldnt even write during it. …that and there was teeth being yanked from my mouth.

They told me I had to rinse my mouth out with warm salt water but that I couldn’t swish or spit it out… i made shit happen.

I almost went the sedation route for the resulting drugged up video alone. Instead, I just handled it like a regular ol badass…

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