aaaaaaand that’s about it…

Its been well over a month and this is possibly the final installment of ABCweekend… Probably going to combine Friday and Saturday at this point. We’ll see how this goes…

So its Friday morning. We get up and get our shit together and head out for breakfast. After breakfast we make our way over to Party City so I can get the paint to attack Stevini’s face with for the movie. The plans for the day were some go carting and then the aquarium… because we’re adults! Standing in Party City we are trying to figure out if we should dress up as Mario characters for our carting adventures. Well overplayed and predictable…and also not enough costume choices, we decide on maybe not. There was talks about Ninja Turtles, but nobody wants to spend money… So instead we head over to the go carting place as ourselves and decide seven trips around is about all we’re willing to pay for. Tickets purchased, we hop into the go carts and all out war commences. There’s this really nice banner over the track that says, ‘No Bumping’ to which he hastily disregarded the entire time. I’m still not sure how we didn’t end up getting kicked out, because shit got intense. I ended up in a wall at one point because Tobias is a giant pile of trash, whoever decided that reverse wasn’t necessary in go carts is a dirty son of a bitch, because I had to wait for the dude to run across the track to pull me backwards and send me on my way.

When you get to the end of the track you have to slow down and go through the lane to give the guy your ticket for another trip. Whenever Tobias was in the front and we reached this spot he would put his hand up to signal to us that we had to slow down… and this is why Tobias wasn’t allowed to be in the front. Back of the bus Tobias, back of the bus! …because the giant banner that said, ‘Slow Down’ wasn’t a clear enough indication that that was the next course of action. I think he was just worried that one of us would be a total doucher and zip right past him… which is probably true because we are that kind of douchers when it comes to hanging out with each other.

Side Note: I don’t know if any of you have ever ‘taken a bow‘, but that’s when you say, ‘take a bow’ and proceed to nut tap the dude causing him to double over and ‘take a bow’. The best part is that I could do this and there were no repercussions because I do not, in fact, have a physical pair of testicles. …That’s the kind of douchiness that happens on the regular in this group. So passing in the slow lane is entirely a possibility.

or that time that Matt peed on AJ in shop one day. We were all standing around a fender, or something, that was on top of a stand with a piece of ply wood propped atop it. Matt was standing to Aj’s right and as we are all standing there not working, Matt whips it out and pees on Aj under the table… funniest shit ever, if not entirely fucked up. 

Urikah got a poo ton of pictures, as she sat out on this adventure, and I would post them here but someone still hasn’t given me any pictures/videos to post… *cough*cough* Urikah…. *cough*cough*

So go carting done and myself being victorious, we hop into my for real car and head back to the apartment to make some movie magic and wait until after 5pm when the aquarium would be half price, ain’t nobody trying to pay the full forty dollars… Turns out i am not the type of person who can easily transition from driving a go cart around turns with reckless abandon to driving a full sized land yacht with passengers on a for real road easily. …I just got so caught up in the moment… but no one died and that’s the last we’ll talk on the subject…

*fast forward a couple hours and a movie shoot later*

And we’re off to good ‘ol BMore for some quality fishy time. Most of this time was spent Shatnering and getting excited over the sea turtle and saw toothed sharks. That, and being those guys on the escalators. We went out for some nourishment at Dick’s Last Resort, which should have been an entertaining visit with insults and fun hats but turned out to be a huge disappointment instead. This is, I believe, the turning point in Tobias from jovial fun time friend to salty douche canoe. We were all disappointed, yet he took it the hardest when no one was salty to him at dinner like he had expected.

 …me and stevini commited to this picture…and that’s about it.
After disappointment, I mean dinner, we drove back to the apartment to pick up Greenbeans and head out to DTA. This almost turned in to a complete disaster when almost immediately upon arrival at the bar Matt got shamed for having gauges in his ears. Matt very much does not fit in in Annapolis, what with all the yuppie tool bags and their polos, sweaters, khakis and boat shoes. And then there’s Matt, jeans, sweatshirt, beanie, tattoos and piercings. So imagine our surprise when we find Matt all buddy buddy with possibly the yuppiest of yuppers in the bar…

At one point in converstion, Greenbeans, Urikah and myself were talking to the guy in the middle and his friend whilst Matt was having some sort of conversation with the dude on the right, Matt abruptly interrupts the conversation we were having, grabs the guy by the vest and yells into his face with pleading eyes, “I DON’T WANT CHLAMYDIA!”


We bust out laughing and he goes back to his other conversation. At last call Matt disappears, we think to the bathroom, but really it was to the bar inside. He reappears with another beer in hand, stumbling about. Steveni and Tobias look at me and shake their heads in a ‘take that beer away from him’ sort of way. I ask for it nicely to which he refuses vehemently. That’s when Greenbeans and I corner him and take it and throw it in the trash before his trashed face can even comprehend what just happened. Then we proceed to drag him out of the bar stumbling, all the while we’re passing people making their way out and he’s yelling, ‘Hey! buy me a Heineken! Someone buy me another beer!’ To which we yell No! and continue on our way out dreading just the thought of dragging his intoxicated self all the way to the parking garage and the car. We make it out front of the bar and find one of the guys on the bikes with the pulley guys and as we are trying to maneuver Matt over to it some girl totally eats shit next to us, to which Matt said, ‘Hey! i’m not the only one!’ and then proceeds to eat shit onto the platform where your feet go, where he lays there laughing. I sigh a big sigh and drag him back to his feet and ush him to the actual seat. Urikah is on one side, i’m on the the other and stevini is jogging behind us, like some sort of weirdy. The entire time Matt is going between chatting up the driver, I think his name was Joe, and yelling out to all of DTA that he wanted another beer. We get to the parking garage and after a lap around the first floor tell Joe that we’d take the stairs and that he didn’t have to help us search for our car. I hand him the wad of cash Greenbeans handed me at the bar and told us to be on our way, and then Matt also gives him like ten bucks and tells him to have a great night.

…If you thought getting him ON the bike was a doozey, well, you just aren’t ready for the dismount. He stands up, sways a little, and goes to take a step off. I’m standing there ready to catch him and this kid steps down, falls forward, I catch him but then he proceeds to fall left and that’s how he ended up on top of the concrete guy at the front of the parking spot. We get him up, say another thank you to Joe and Stevini takes on the task of the stairs with our intoxicated friend. We make it up the stairs no problem but that flat ground sure will getchya. We make it to the car and somehow Matt ends up on the ground again. We all pile into the car, Matt in the back between Stevini and Greenbeans and Salty Peterson Tobias in the middle of the front. Drunk Matt is in the back going between, ‘I need fresh air!’ and me cracking the windows to, ‘Its too loud!’ and me rolling them back up. And then that ass hole starts joking around about needing to vomit. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, vomits in the Buick… We find him a bag and he proceeds to make puking noises in to it and then exclaims that he needs to pee. I pull over on the side of 97 at two thirty in the morning and between being increasingly done with McSaltypants’ salty attitude and being entirely sure that we just lost Matt over some unknown cliff on the side of the road because all I can hear is Stevini yelling, ‘Matt! No!’ outside the car, I start to grow a little salty myself. They get Matt back in the car and we finally make it back to the apartment where I pull onto my road, stop the car and drop Stevini and Matt off by the woods so he can start on the drunken adventure of puking his brains out while I park the car. I give Greenbeans the keys to the apartment and send him and Urikah ahead so they can take Salty Petersons with them before I kill him and dump his body in the dumpster. By the time I walk back to where I let the other two out I find Matt on his hands and knees wiping the vomit off his face. He gets up with the grace of a child learning how to walk and whips off his shirt. At some point his pants were unbuttoned, i’m guessing when we almost lost him on the side of the highway, and he lets out a loud drunken sigh and says he needs a glass of water and a smoke and proceeds to tell us how he is going to get the water then come back down and smoke. Which is obviously the worst possible idea ever with all those stairs. I make a deal with him that he can smoke out the window of my apartment and he gladly accepts and tells me that i’m the best, when really I just don’t want to be an accessory to murder.

He never made it to the smoke, I even turned the chair around so he could sit down by the window. He just downs a glass of water and tries to fall asleep on the ground. I try to assist Matt and Tobias in his salty states tries to tell me what to do in my own apartment, this is when I start to rethink that murder is a pretty good option and if you’re going to do it you might as well commit and go full on and not just be an accessory to it. During our verbal confrontation Matt grumbles from under his pillow ‘I need library sounds,’ because that was the polite way to ask everyone to shut up. So we head for our sleeping places before murder is for real committed and that’s when me and Stevini continued to Sportscast Matt’s continuous trips to the toilet. …he is not a quiet puker. After some trips to the bathroom he just decided that he was going to crawl out and lay on the floor in my bedroom instead, less distance to travel when he inevitably ended up back in the bathroom. I offered to make him a bed in the tub, he declined… but woke up the next morning snuggling with his towel…

Saturday morning was pretty much a bust. Tobias and Tom played video games while we fit four people on my queen sized bed, put on the Hulk and proceeded to pass the fuck out. I’m pretty positive Stevini was precariously perched in the upper corner of the bed for like two hours while everyone else slept, but i’m not really positive because i was blissfully asleep.

We finally woke up and made it out of the house by like four and stopped over at Steak and Shake for food. This is where Matt got out of the car to go get the water Urikah had ordered, like a gentleman, and gently tapped the tail light of the car next to us with my car door and shattered the absolute fuck out of it. He went in to get the water and when he came out he picked up the giant piece of tail light and we got the hell out of there. It was already broken, is what we told ourselves, because why else would it have shattered so easily?

Then we were off to partake in some frightful festivities at a certain amusement park that I may or may not have worked at over the summer/fall. The first ride we got on was the teacups, as good friends do when one of the group is super hungover and still in the very realistically going to vomit stage of his hangover. Funniest. Shit. EVER. There’s a video of it, him waving his hat in his face like a sassy black lady in church as he prays to jesus and yells, ‘i can taste the strawberries!’ his strawberry milkshake from earlier, and proceeded to tell us how much he truly hated us. But like a trooper, he went on all the roller coasters that Urikah wanted to go on, while my concussed brain had to sit them out and Stevini and Tobias were being little girls about it. I did make it on one roller coaster, though… and no matter how much we tried to persuade him, stevini wouldn’t go. He did end up getting on the littlest babiest one of them all, so I guess that’s something.


 We ended the evening with a ride on the carousel, the guy running that ride was super unenthused about life, but we got two rounds non-stop, HOLLA!

And then we went back home and went to bed and that was pretty much the end of the ABC weekend and when they were on their way out the door to leave I looked them all in the eyes and said in the most serious of tones that they were not allowed to leave… and then they did, like a bunch of ass holes…

If I could rewind to that weekend I would in an instant because i miss those kids. I’m currently trying to convince them to move down, Matt seems to be the only one that’s on board, because at least he has an appreciation for adventure…



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