Cardbordeux in the boudoir…

So last night I get home and after folding the laundry that’s been taking over my bed for a good week now, Roomsies! yells from the living room asking if I want to watch a movie. Laundry is folded, I grab a beer from the fridge and make me some chicken nuggs, because I’m an adult, and we settle in to watch Fifty Shades of Grey.

This is not the first time I’ve had to drink to make it through a movie… 

Now wine gets me sufficiently buzzed faster anyway, what with the lack of bubbles bubblin around in my tumtums. Sometimes I feel like I should just video myself watching movies because the commentary is pretty on point most days. I decided that I should make a vlog, originally as a movie review vlog but then I realized I wasn’t actually reviewing the movies, so basically just a vlog of the funny shit I say when watching movies. This was quickly dismissed based on the fact that I don’t have a video camera. …or know how to edit videos, which I imagine would be a hefty job to take on what with the average movie lasting an hour and a half to two hours.

So for now I suppose I will just stick with posting my witticisms here and on The Everyday Analyst’s Facebook page, go give that sucker a like!, and the twitter page @evrydayanalyst.

  

So now that my career goal has been established as becoming a SFX makeup artist for movies I’ve watched a lot of youtube and movies on it and therefore I focus in on it more in my movie watching experiences. This bitch was supposed to be ‘sick’ and therefore made her roommate, one Anastasia Steele, interview Mr Hunksalot. To make her appear as though she had contracted some plague like illness they tried to make her look very pale, which apparently you only need to do around the mouth area. I was too distracted thinking that she had performed unmentionable deeds to an unknowing box of breakfast treats to pay much attention to the forming plot(ish)…

…you know how people walk on the inside of their foot and happenstancely they end up walking with their thighs giving them chub rub, in this instance the chub is not a penis but in fact someones thighs…

Being called ‘Baby’, or even hearing others call someone else ‘baby’ drives me bonkers. If you are not in fact speaking to an infant you can get right the fuck out of here with that shit. But then to say, ‘laters baby’ as if you hail from jolly old England, well, you can just fuck right off even further.

That’s a deal breaker, that one.   

While I understand this business meeting was in regards to the sex contract Mr Hunksalot was trying to impose on Lady Hofaceaintsoinnocentnomore, there was no actual sex to be seen but there was a whole lot of reading and this is how you go blind. Not touching yourself, but because you are trying to no go with the anal fisting.

this was at the end of the meeting. No sex, but bitch is a tease…and now has terrible eyesight because all she wanted to do was defend her virginal booty hole from someones fist.

…this isn’t as far fetched as you may think. Regardless of how sufficiently buzzed I may have been at the time. Rich dude pays for a girl to stick around, she a ho, hes a classy gentleman. He takes her to fancy places, they have sex, fall in love, shit goes south… this is why it isn’t parallel but perpendicular, dudes totally a ho to.

…this was super off track, but still a better love story than Twilight…

 

So pretty much by the time we finished the movie, around eight on a Thursday night, I was sufficiently buzzed to say the least. And then I continued to drink because it was just that not good.

I’m not sure if I was still drunk the next morning or if someone roofied my box wine, but the drive to work the next day was a little weird. Whilst singing, like i normally do during my commute, I held my travel mug of tea the entire time, going back and forth from aimlessly swishing it back and forth like a drunk man singing Irish drinking songs and using it as a microphone. Now, this isn’t all that out of the ordinary, though a tad bit odder than normal as I did not put the cup down at any point in my drive. But the point where shit really got weird was when I was at the last traffic light before getting to work and I stared it down with such an intensity that I may have blown it up with my mind bullets and whispered audibly to it, ‘i will kill you’. …i don’t even know where that came from. I even felt it odd once the moment had passed. …shit got weird.

So maybe I will invest in a camera and learning how to edit videos, that one radiology rep, that left me so heartlessly, said he would show me how to do because its really not that hard but guess who’s not our rep anymore and stood me up on our coffee/movie editing date….*cough*cough*kingston*cough!*cough!!*

He said he wanted to be in one of the blog posts… i don’t think he meant like this, but that’s what happens when you stand me up and also leave me…

 

There are more movie commentary posts to come, im sure, and maybe even possibly a new vlog of just that. If you dirty little hipsters play your cards right, that is.

 

…that last part was a lie, its entirely dependent on my camera owning status and has nothing to do with you.

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