Adulty Adultersons…

I’ve been a terrible blogger recently… for like a good week and a half, haven’t even gotten on here to check on stats and all that… Which is fine because nobodies been reading it any way. 

But in other news, Christmas happened, you know, in case you didn’t know… But that was a blasty blast, went home to Connecticut, but more on that later. 

So yesterday me and Greenbeans were adulting like a couple of regular ol’ badasses. We got up and went to the mall because I had a hundred dollars and a need for some new shoes. I’ve been jonesin for some new chucks, I’ve been wearing my last pair on to their last thread. I’ll still wear them, if I ever take these new ones off my feet…

I love me some burgundy! 

I also ordered a pair of green low tops that I’m pretty pumped about.

We left the mall and immediately after getting in the car I kicked off the old ones and laced up the new ones, to which I was told I was worse than a three year old, but that didn’t stop me because I was puuuuuumped about them.

You should be pumped about a lot of things in life, new shoes being one of them, but if you’re ever feeling down in the dumps you can always tell yourself to be pumped that to the best of your knowledge you don’t have cancer… Unless you do have cancer, in which case you should order a new pair of shoes and call it a day…

We went to SAMs club next for our lunch dates, he treats me like a queen, that Greenbeans…

I walked through the store lifting my feet up and telling him to look at my shoes. He was less than enthused, even less so the more I said it. 

But we adulted like some pros, I’m proud to say. We ended up leaving with a giant box of bagel bites, gushers, Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, and outer spaced themed chicken nuggets (they didn’t have dinosaurs, which obviously would have been my first choice). We also got big things of chicken and porkchops, but those are less fun and way more work. 

Half way through the shopping trip we decided that after all this adulting we were doing the logical thing to do would be to reward ourselves with an adult beverage. So we went and bought two big bottles of wine and then had to lug all this shit up all those stairs. It’s a lot harder to make just one trip when everything you bought could feed an entire third world country. And also when the fore doesn’t give you bags for your shit…

We immediately put in some bagel bites and unpacked the food. We bought a five pound brisket so I went a head and half assed that, turned out pretty good in the end. Surprisingly. 

After finishing the big bottle of Pinot Grigio Greenbeans decided that it was a good time to announce that he didn’t like drinking red wine. You know, instead of when we were at the liquor store buying the wine… So off to the liquor store we went…again. We walked, like the responsible adults we are, and detoured to the bar attached to the liquor store for a quick drink, because we were already there and why not. Getting whiskey probably wasn’t all that great of an idea but, YOLO. We continued our excursion to get the wine and the guy at the register was all, “run out already?” And I was all, “nope. This kid is just a little bitch and won’t drink the red wine.” And then we left and went on our merry little way. On the way back we realized how stupid we’ve been, walking ALL the way around instead of cutting through the church parking lot, because if Mr White, you remember the guy from last years Christmas party that caused a fight between a gay man and Captain America?, if he could drive his car over the walkway in the grass because he thought it was how you got in to our parking lot, then why couldn’t we use it for its actual purpose and get home faster. So we did, all the while Greenbeans ran through the parking lot yelling “SANCTUARY!” Like he was the hunchback of Notre Dame. And then that’s when he tried to rape me with a wine bottle and that’s why there’s now a bruise on my left ass cheek, because I got wine raped. 

And this is why we should never be left unsupervised or trusted to adult, because we wind up sufficiently buzzed at three in the afternoon and with five pounds of brisket for two people…

And that’s also why it’s going to be an adventure when we move to Florida in June…

2 thoughts on “Adulty Adultersons…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s