If you want to be my lover… you’re going to need to emotionally have a penis and tell great stories…

A patient comes in for his appointment today and we go through the usual greeting…

Me: hello, how are you doing today?

Patient: I’m doing well, how about yourself?

Me: not too bad. I’ll check you in, I just need your copay.

Pt: every time!

Me: that’s why the put me up here. I’m really good at taking people’s money.

Pt: and here I was thinking it was because of your fantastic personality and stunning looks.

Me: nope… That’s not it.

Pt: ……oh.

Me: those might be secondary, but it’s definitely the other reason.

Pt: well you’re doing a fine job either way.

…it’s disappointing that the younger generations have completely lost the ability to be suave and debonair.
Judging on the amount of times I get hit on at work it’s atleast comforting to know that I have good chances at bagging me a sugar daddy if I so choose…

I’ve been asked multiple times over the years working here why a ‘good looking/beautiful girl’ like myself doesn’t have a boyfriend. To which I reply, ‘because bros can’t handle all this’, which, in a more vulgar sense, really means, ‘dudes are huge vaginas’, but as this is my place of employment putting it in such terms is frowned upon.

They sure don’t make them like they used to…

Which logically leads me to believe that maybe I should aim for bagging me a sugar daddy. There are some attractive older dudes out there these days after all.

What age difference constitutes it being a sugar daddy? Old enough for them to plausibly be a father of a person my age? Because these days that could mean as little as like 16 years difference.

I’ve always loved grumpy old men, they’re like my spirit animals and they have great stories. My goal for living in Florida is to have a squad of old people. We could go down the streets on our Hover Rounds (I would obviously invest in one, probably a used one off of craigslist) yelling at small children to get off the lawn. Eat pudding and other soft but delicious foods and they could tell me their life stories as we enjoy a box of wine, each, because they give zero fucks at this point in their lives.  It would be magical. Shit. I’ll do some aged SFX makeup and apply to live in their old folks community and the fun will never have to end, just pause for unplanned nap sesh’s throughout the day. Who doesn’t love a nap?

Are their rules to the sugar daddy relationship? Is sex a thing that has to occur? I don’t know how I necessarily feel about that… If I ended up in like a Captain America sugar daddy situation id be all for that. Like, he’s seventy years old but looks like present day Chris Evans…

…lets be real here. I’m ninety nine percent sure I’d still have sex with Chris Evans if he was thirty or forty years older.

Upon further reflection, maybe I should skip the sugar daddy thing and just remain single but become very close to old people who will put me in their wills and give me their spoon collections and purse candy because I listened to all of their stories with rapt attention and gave the orderly that works on Tuesdays and always seems to be a bit handsy a black eye.

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