Box kicking will get you kicked out of the post office…

I have stressors in my life.  More so recently than before, or rather they have resurfaced and made themselves very well known once again. Lately I’ve been clenching my jaw when I sleep and even catch myself doing it during the day. This is and always has been a definitive sign that there is some kind of stress in my life and it gives me really bad headaches. I don’t like talking about my feelings or problems with people, as I’ve discussed often, so my main form of stress relief is going to the batting cages. I like to hit things in a non-violent, yet satisfying way. Whether or not I imagine the ball as someones head and that i’m bashing it in with a baseball bat, well, that’s neither here nor there. I say non-violent because i’m not actually committing some act of violence upon someone, which is pretty tempting some days i’ll tell you what…

But it’s February and it’s cold outside, and i’m pretty positive, but not entirely sure, that the batting cages are in fact closed until spring. What with them being outside and all. I could be wrong, I never checked because frankly, it’s too damn cold outside for me to even want to hang out at a batting cage. Even if my fiery rage would probably keep me warm.

Like I’ve said in the not so distant past, I hate going to the gym, it’s boring and I leave there feeling worse about myself more than I did when I ate an entire cake in one sitting by myself… Having the aspiration for abs and a desire to release aggression towards people in a conducive and non-arresty kind of way I hit up Groupon and went on a search for kickboxing classes. I found one not too far from my place of residence and, i’m not going to lie to you, the main reason I chose this place was because of their description. “Kickboxing gets you into peak physical condition, unlike box kicking, which gets you thrown out of the post office” because someone obviously has a sense of humor and I can get down with that. And like, what, “where fast-paced punches and kicks burn calories without the hazard of using lighter fluid as a dipping sauce” I love this place already…

I offered to send the Groupon to Roomsies! so she could hit some shit with me but she declined, so it was shaping up to be a Lone Ranger type of night. Allll byyyy myyyyyseeeeeeyeeeelf! Gunna kick shit allll byyyyyy myyyyyyseeeeeeeeelf!

I was pretty pumped. Shit. I’m still pretty pumped. The people in the class and instructors were friendly and helpful. The workout was intense, but in a ‘we don’t want you to die in our facility’ kind of way. There was a lot of punching and kicking and push-ups, jumping jacks, mountain climbers, and crunches mixed all in there for forty minutes of calorie burning, ab inducing amazingness. I left there inwardly feeling accomplished and amped, but outwardly I couldn’t feel my arms… It hurt so good! I’ve never been more happy to be in pain.

I learned some things that night…

  1. I’m hopelessly and hilariously incapable of doing push-ups. Like, I was embarrassed for everyone who had to watch me do a push-up kind of terrible. Not that the rest of the class was necessarily all that great at them either, but it was that bad. I’m not even sure how }I’ve made it this far in life with such a sad excuse for upper arm strength. How am I capable of doing things in life?! Pick up a five gallon bottle of water and put it on the water cooler? No problem. Push your own body weight halfway to the ground and back up again? …you’re funny. I feel like I need to make myself do a push-up every morning until I can sufficiently make this happen…
  2. I’m not as entirely out of shape as I thought I was. In my class I was maybe the youngest one there, most people looked to be 40+, but some have been doing this for awhile and there were groups of friends that made it seem like they had been here enough to create some sort of bond molded by sweat and contempt for push-ups. Regardless of my spry young adult body, it made me feel better that I could keep up with, if not push past, these other people. Other peoples misery always makes me feel better… More so because at least I know i’m not suffering alone.
  3. I feel like there was a third thing, but I had to pee for the fourth time since I got to work, two hours ago, and my train of thought was derailed…

Normally after I leave the gym I feel like I should be healthy and buy food that isn’t cake, but after last night I was super amped up and rocking out to my ‘hot in herre’ pandora station, rocking out to Missy Elliot and Nelly and almost driving in to on coming traffic because I had mild muscle failure in my arms and the steering wheel seemed to just get away from me there for a second. But I made it to the store in one piece and bought a bunch of healthy food, like fruit, and yogurt, and oatmeal and I had these grand plans of not being a fat ass. This rare burst of motivation was on going until I got home and realized I now had to carry the grocery bags up to the fourth floor with limp noodle arms. Then Ludacris’s ‘Get Back’ came on and it was game on all over again. I made healthy food, in bulk because i’m incapable of cooking for anything less than four people. Spinach ricotta hassleback chicken, roasted zucchini and carrots, and brown rice… that’s right. the healthy rice… I meant business.

Equipped with my Ninja Turtle water bottle and delicious food I was eating like a cham-peen. I got half way through eating and soon realized that I was tired of chewing, have you ever noticed that healthy makes you chew more, i’m looking at you Kashi cereal…, but persevered until my plate was clean. My tum tums now fuller than necessary I sat down and had me a little chitty chat with Roomsies! because we haven’t seen each other in what seems like forever. I also had an ongoing text conversation with Stevini, who was making buffalo chicken pizza. Matt posted on Facebook that he made homemade chicken enchiladas. I was exercising and eating healthy, and Stevini was eating pizza like a fat ass? I don’t know what has happened in the world but i’m not ready for this… take it back! Rewind! I don’t want to be an adult!! …I even had grapes for dessert, because apparently my stomach deceived me and was all, ‘you’re full!’ and then like fifteen minutes later it was like, ‘just kidding bitch, eat up!’ but I didn’t have any dessert food because that’s not where my mind was when I was at the store and I only bought fruit. All I wanted was cookie dough, all I had was grapes. Talk about disappointment.

I’ve been so hydrated since yesterday, in relative terms of me usually not being all that hydrated, that now I can’t stop peeing and all I want to do is eat. I’m jonesing for a meatball sub right now. I forgot that exercise usually just makes me more hungry, what with heightened metabolism spidey senses and all that, but I’m poor and don’t have an abundance of food to be cramming in my face hole like I want to. The struggle is real people. So. Real.

But i’m pretty pumped about going back on Saturday, so this may hold some promise im actually becoming a regular form of exercise, which holds some promise that I may actually regularly exercise for once…

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