I’m so unbelievably underwhelmed with our presidential candidates for the 2016 election. I am, by no means, a political aficionado. I will admit that I have no real idea what is happening politically on the everyday, so why should I become concerned with it during this trying time for our country? It’s called consistency. I wont jump on your political bandwagon hullabaloo, just like I wont pay attention to things that are happening afterwards. And I know, some might say that’s whats wrong with this generation. I disagree, I think peoples ability to get booty hurt in a split second because someone said something they didn’t agree with and they found it hurtful. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Remember that Simba, reeeememmmmber! So take your ‘safe zones’ and eat a bag of dicks, it’ll put hair on your chest. Say ‘no thank you’ and move on.
But back to the presidency. I’m not so fond of the fact that you give me four people to choose from and not one that even seems remotely like they aren’t going to steer this country further into the ground. I would like to propose a new way to choose these future candidates and then eventually president. Back in high school I suggested to my history teacher that we just put them all in a pit in the ground and let them duke it out, because as far as i’m concerned, if you want to lead the country you should be able to defend it as well, take a page from George Washington’s book… She didn’t seem super enthused about the idea, but she also couldn’t look anyone in the eye during her lessons. She would just look from one corner of the ceiling to the other and talk about how terrible bagels were in CT, so what does she really know. She tried to get smart with me and suggest that FDR wouldn’t be able to win in a physical fight. I told her that I thought he seemed pretty scrappy even with the lack of legs and that I thought he could totally win. She basically told me I was wrong and it was a stupid idea, but I stand by it. However, as the years have passed I’ve rethought my stand on this and while not backing down from it, I have evolved it since.
Here is what I propose. A decathlon, ala Billy Madison, minus the gun violence at the end. That we could do without. I can feel your skepticism from here, but follow old Rafiki, he will show you the way…
First! We embrace the modern age, we put together a presidential candidate Tinder. Except instead of pictures its all just their plans as president. Take away the parties, race, and gender and we get a true telling of what people want for what it is. Just swipe right or left to your values. And it’s not just for people who can buy their way into shit, you can have not so much money and great ideas and there you go. So then we take the top so many, this we can determine at a later date, when this gets put into action.
Step two! The Dating Game. After you choose the so many candidates from PresidentialTinder, patent pending, its any ones game. Then you put the selected few behind a screen and ask them the debate questions to get a better understanding on their stance for issues close to the Americans hearts. We will disguise their voices like they do on Gangland to keep with the anonymity, which I feel is extremely vital to the beginning stages of the election process.
On to three! The real job interview. I’m talking real life. Like when you go to apply for a job and the smell of your fear sweats is smelt from five feet away. I want your four year business plan on how you are going to make the things you want come to fruition, no empty promises for me please. I could just be out of the loop, but I feel like I haven’t heard in anyway how Bernie Sanders is going to fulfill every one of these great promises.
Four! Once you pass the interview you still don’t get the job. Test number four is jello wrestling. I’m going to need a president who has a sense of humility. Even if you win, you just wrestled someone in a hospital cafeteria lunch time staple and you looked like an idiot the whole time. No one really wins, except everyone watching.
Five. Chlorophyll. More like Boreophyll! In which case you can input some actual political hoopla. No degrading your opponents though. And we can play political jeopardy. Or a regular debate, whatever.
Step six! This is when they talk to your friends and family and your friends of family and find out the shit you did back when you were five that you’ve been keeping secret for all of your life since then. And then they call you on your shit and you’re going to have to own up to your shit because we need someone who will admit when they were wrong because that means you learned something from it and are a better person because of it and also not a pussy. You did wrong and you know it and your sorry for it. …i’m looking at you Hillary Clinton.
And here’s seven. They will now need to earn a minimum of five boy/girl scout badges. Because those kids are well rounded and have a hopped along those stepping stones to a better and brighter future. Help an elderly person fly his house with balloons to paradise falls. Sell some cookies and spread happiness while making a profit. Tie some knots. I don’t care, just be a good person and earn something. Sideways glance to Donald Trump… Who is, in general, a terrible human being. You don’t run for the highest position in America and make fun of the people you are trying to win votes from. If he could shut up for like five minutes, that would be pretty fantastic.
Step eight. Bake a pie, show me what your kind of freedom will really taste like. Is it apple? Cherry? Strawberry Rhubarb? …I really just threw this one in because of that one episode of Saved by the Bell where they were competing with another school and one of the things was Home Ec. It’s also not a terrible thing to know how to do.
Nine! Cage match. Use all your skills and smarts and take out your opponent!
Whoever wins this gets to be president!! Congratulations! Now don’t fuck it up for the rest of us. We’re counting on you.
But Becky, that’s only nine! You might be saying. Well. Calm down you dirty little hipsters, I know how to count. Step ten is being president. You’re never off the hook! You are constantly being tested and when you fuck up you get kicked out and the runner up gets to swoop in and try their hand at it.
Better yet! The runner up gets to be Vice President. They could belong to two different parties but, blam! now they have to work it out together to make this country great again. Teamwork makes a dream work!
If nothing else, at least I’d be more likely to watch and stayed tuned in. Like the hunger games, except its not so shitty because hopefully no one dies and you don’t get picked against your will because you bring it all upon yourself by signing up.
I don’t pretend to know what is happening in this election, I don’t even know anything about Ted Cruz other than he’s a Republican and he might be Kevin from The Office… And i’m not saying that everything any of them are saying is something I would disagree with, i’m sure they all have some good points in there somewhere. But it’s all a pretty shaky electoral process.