America: A nation run by boobs… But the good kind this time…

I don’t see why people are against having a female as president. Not once have I ever had the slightest inkling that I would like to start wars or create global catastrophe while on my period. If anything I just want to eat a gallon of ice cream and take a nap… 

And I know, quite well, that bitches be crazy, but that doesn’t mean it’s always in a bad way. How else do you propose to move forward with the bank tube travel system of the future if you don’t have a little ambition and pizzazz? 

But more importantly! Pretty much every other world leader is a dude, with the exception of the queen of England and I’m sure maybe another one or two that I don’t know about. But she’s an adorable little turnip and is doing a pretty bang up job as far as I know. The majority of them though are dudes. And what do dudes like? Boobs. And who has boobs? Ladies. Don’t you ever underestimate the power of boobs. Everyone loves them. They may not admit it, but everyone does. Even gay men love them, vagoos they could do without, but really who couldn’t? All I’m saying is is that they are a great means of persuasion…

Now, don’t get all up in a tizzy you dirty little feminist hipsters. Calm your hairy little legs. I’m all about equality, I’m on your side! I’m not saying you have to exploit yourself. All I’m saying is that if you have an arsenal why not use all the weapons in it. They aren’t a literal weapon of destruction ala femmebots in Austin Powers, however that would come in handy… But they are distracting and enticing. I could go on and on about this, but the facts remain. Boobs get things done. At the bar and trying to get the bartenders attention? Just cross your arms and lean your pretty little self against that bar and let your boobs do the talking. Bet you ten bucks you get served right quick.

I’ve used boobs as a means of argument plenty of times and come out victorious on the other side almost every time. The argument made? 

“But. Boobs!”

Though they may be small, they are perky! …not small, more of an average size. Perky none the less. 

As president though, you’ll be sure to win over a few votes without even being overtly sexual. Stroll in there in a tasteful skirt suit guy. Show off them gams, leave the blouse unbuttoned one button lower than normal… Boom. Ladies and gentlemen, the boobs have the floor …and your vote. To clarify, I’m not saying have boobs busticating through your shit, but a little cleave never hurt anyone. Besides. You still have to keep the mystery alive. Bros love that. 

All that being said, Hilary Clinton is not someone anyone wants to see cleave from… Or her face for that matter. So vote “No” for her, and let’s find us a new candidate because everyone else also sucks…


I saw something on Facebook today and it said the most recent text in your phone is your campaign slogan. At the time my was 

“If I don’t get cake out of the deal I don’t want to know about it. ”

Which would be pretty accurate I think… 


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