Bippity Boppity Poo

I recently moved out of my tiny little shit hole apartment. While I cant say that I wish I still lived there I did enjoy my time there. Who wouldn’t love no air conditioning in the summer, or the bus stop that runs all night right outside the open window to your own little personal sauna? Or the hollow core door that is the only thing separating you from anyone who happens to wander on through? But really, I did enjoy my time living alone, there’s something about complete solitude when you come home from work that is just exquisite. While I undoubtedly miss my time with Roomsies! and Greenbeans, there’s just something about the unaccountability of living alone that is freeing. Sure, my dishes had the habit of sitting in the sink for weeks on end and they grew fuzzy green stuff every once in awhile, but how can you put a price on that kind of freedom? I will have to say, though, that of all the pros and cons of that apartment the best part had to be the magic toilet. That’s right, I said magic! Magic. Broken. Whatever…

I had one experience, entirely sober, where I was surprised and disappointed in about a forty five second span of time. I wish I could have said that I was drunk at the time, or even delirious with a lack of sleep but I don’t think that was even the case. I had gone to the bathroom, just a number one, don’t worry, and as I stood up to pull my underoos back up I heard this rush of water and I was surprised that I had had an automatic toilet all this time and had no idea! In reality it was just my neighbor with serendipitous timing turning on their water. Imagine my immediate disappointment… I wish I could say that I instantly realized that the fact that I’d have an automatic flusher all of a sudden was absolutely ridiculous, but that wasn’t the case. It didn’t take me long, but it did take longer than it reasonably should have.

It isn’t that one experience that made this toilet special, it was also the last couple of months that really clinched the title for it. You could do the doo, get up and the bowl was empty! It was like pure magic! You didn’t need to flush or anything, everything just disappeared! It really streamline the whole process. In reality the toilet was just broken and wouldn’t stop running ever, but I wasn’t paying the water bill and the last time I put in a maintenance order they never came. So whats a gal to do but continue living in the lap of luxury with no remorse?

But all magic aside, it was also a great help with sleep. What with insomnia and a jacked up sleep schedule it was usually a tough way to fall asleep. But never fear! My trusty magic toilet was there! With the soft sounds of a babbling brook emanating from the bathroom I would drift off into dreamland with fireflies dancing amongst a meadow with the soft sounds of flowing water in the distance. So relaxing.

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’s all in the perspective. Magic. Broken. It’s really your choice in how you look at it…

…that almost sounded enlightened for a second! Really it’s just delusion taking over because you paid $435 a month, utilities included and you had to make it exciting somehow.

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