Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by automatic soap dispensers…

Awhile back there, when I was still living a happy fulfilled, not black hole void of a life while working for Dr. Boss Lady, I was having an ongoing battle with the automatic sinks in the bathroom. 


So it’s been 4 years (holy shit… already?!)  since that struggle bus has left the station… corral?… bus yard? and I’m happy to say that I may not have won the war but I DID win that battle. I figured out the water thing. I defeated my quest, but now it’s on to the Boss Battle… the automatic soap dispenser. 

The over eager hand washing assistant that was designed to help prevent the spread of infectious diseases, make less of a mess and keep soap costs down. It has failed horribly at 2/3rds of its entire purpose. I’ll give it a pretty high score for succeeding in its most important purpose, nobody wants to touch the cold wet, disease ridden pump top left from the less than fastidiouslast user before you. 

I cannot however forget, nor ignore, the fact that it always ends up leaving a slime trail down the side of the sink. Leaving one to decide for themselves if it is in fact a complete waste of hand washing resources or someone hacked up a lung into the sink and wasn’t courteous enough to wash it down the drain and it ended up forming into a gelatinous mass for the poor custodial staff to deal with. Generally it’s colorful and filled with sparkly stuff so as to differentiate between the two, but I don’t pretend to know peoples lives. Maybe they snorted cocaine off a stripper who is a little too liberal with the application of their body glitter because it catches the eye and she likes the way it makes her feel like a majestical unicorn that can accomplish her dreams. 

But let’s get back to the real journey we started on together before I got lost…

My current struggle is with the soap dispensers at my new job. These ones are supplied with foam soap, so no more slime trails. They still bombard you throughout the handwashing experience with excessive soap attacks, but they better cover their tracks these days. So still they fail entirely at their main goal. But this isn’t even my biggest concern…

My biggest concern is that with the foam soap, when left to sit in the dispenser for any length of time longer than immediate, the bubbles will dissipate and become what I like to refer to as the dispensers pre-seminal fluid. Or for you more uncultured swine, the pre-cum. You know, the reason why pulling out is an entirely ineffective form of birth control… 

It may lack the viscosity of the main event but it does not lack the key components of getting the job done. In this case it will probably still get your hands clean, in that case it’ll still probably ruin your life. In my case it just makes for an uncomfortable handwashing experience. There’s no reason it should, but when it happens it skeezes me out. So much so that now I will fake out the dispenser and wait for the second load, the baby making load if you will. Give me all the bubble babies or give me none! 

This is one of the few things I do not half ass in my life. 

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